Uncommon Curiosity

I have to admit that I felt a bit of trepidation about attending Butch Voices last week, and a significant part of it came from a less-than-noble place in my gut.  Surrounded by so many handsome guys, I worried that I might lose my interest in my loves at home.  Of course, we all know that love is deeper than a passing fancy, but there’s always that nagging worry (and not just for me) that the old will pale in comparison to the new.

To my surprise, though, spending time with so many deeply beautiful people made me love my guys even more, and made me wish they could be there with me, celebrating and sharing.  And it made me want to share them with you, because, well… I haven’t been.  I’ve been wanting to keep them special and precious and sheltered, but I realize they’re too important for me to keep quiet any longer.

By now you know Kyle, who’s given me love, support, revelation and inspiration for 9 months now.  He is brave and strong and wise and I fall in love with him again every day.  As we’ve gotten closer, we’ve had to overcome the challenges of poly jealousy and work together towards a more perfect trust and a clearer vision of each other, but that has served to bring us closer together.  I love him like the ocean loves the shore, like night loves the dawn.

Recently M came into the picture.  I’d known M for awhile on Twitter as a friend, but a few months ago I had the opportunity to meet him in person.  I was taking a much-needed road trip that just happened to wind around near where he lives with his partner, Amber, and we all decided that dinner together could be fun.  After dinner and a lot of good conversation, M and I got to wrestling and I spent a lot of time flying through the air and slamming, back-first, into walls and sliding slowly to the floor in a big, upside-down, giggling crumpled mess.  I can’t remember ever having such fun in a pillow fight – he was more than willing, and able, to toss me around like a rag doll, and I ate it up like a big bowl of Sugar-Frosted Bruisios (now with extra pummeling!)  After he knocked the fight out of me, repeatedly, we lay on the bed together, panting, and slowly found our way towards one another.  When we came together, I felt a deep connection with him, and, in the time since, we’ve discovered a great deal with have in common, not the least of which is the way our brains are filled with pictures, rather than words, and I adore having someone who understands what that feels like from the inside.  He is fiercely loyal and very sexy and loves me with a strength that nearly overwhelms me.  When he smiles, it’s poetry, and his courage is amazing to witness.

The wrinkle in my relationship with M is his partner, Amber’s, relationship with Kyle.  It’s taught me a lot about jealousy and trust, and I have to admit I haven’t handled myself well or with much dignity, but together we’re trying to find our way through it in fits and starts.  I love Kyle and I want him to be happy, and I admire Amber and think she’s a wonderful partner for him because she is smart and funny and sexy and they are so very similar.  I also want M and Amber to be happy and strong together because they are, as they were to begin with, good friends.  So sometimes it all gets a bit complicated.

I met Nate one night while trolling on Fetlife, ironically enough because I was fighting off a bout of jealousy and looking for a good distraction.  I saw a stunning picture of him and left a flirtatious comment and figured that would be the end of it, as these things frequently are.  To my surprise, he messaged me back, and we continued to flirt the entire night, moving to IM and talking about just about everything.  He lives far away, so meeting isn’t a possibility right now, but we talk on the phone and by IM, and make occasional, but excellent, use of the web cam.  He’s a parent, as I am, and in that small-world sort of way friends with a friend of mine from way back.  He’s a Dom, and wonderfully aggressive and sexy when we imagine violently sexy scenarios together.  He has a sweet, romantic side that he keeps guarded, but it’s wonderful to see when he lets it out.  The way he likes to play with his tongue piercing makes me weak in the knees imagining what else that little knob of metal could do.

So, these are the new guys in my life.  They excite me, thrill me, teach me and complicate me and I love them dearly, and I plan to start writing more about them soon.  They live life on their terms and face a world that isn’t always sure how to respond, but they keep reaching for a more perfect expression of who they are and that courage makes me adore them all the more.