…wherein I shamelessly complain about anything and everything and swear a lot. Those with delicate constitutions would be advised to go check out today’s LOLCatz or something of a similarly inoffensive nature.
1) The man who hired me 14 years ago, a wonderful, beautiful man, passed away this week after a lingering illness. Not only did he refuse to see anyone after his diagnosis, but one of his last requests was that no memorial be held in his honor. Goddammit. Godfuckingdammit. Friends, regardless of what excellent reasons you have for stupidly refusing a memorial service, please remember that they are not held for you, but for the loved ones you’ve left behind. Dude, you’re gonna be dead, you won’t fucking care, but denying friends that last opportunity to touch you and be close to you and each other is just fucking selfish.
2) High Schools continue to send me students who were told they “didn’t need math.” Fuck you, Mr. and Mrs. School Board, for deciding that your students don’t need to get advanced degrees or go to law school or get an MBA or become doctors. Fuck you for denying them a future because you can’t be bothered to come up with a creative way to interest them in math. And dammit, students, wake the fuck up and stop thinking they were doing you a fucking favor. They were screwing you hard in the ass without lube and you just smiled and took it AND said thank you. Dammit, people, get up off your asses and demand an education and a voice in your future.
3) I hate the phrase, “let’s be friends” because of the silent second part “and no longer lovers.” Fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck I hate the end of relationships.
4) And, if it wasn’t already clear, no one else I know better die right now because I will come dig up your fucking body, bring you back to fucking life and then kill you with my fucking bare hands. Remember – you staying alive is all about me and my happiness. Don’t go getting so fucking selfish on me.
5) California is too fucking hot. I demand an end to temperatures above 69 degrees F. (That’s 20.55 degrees Celsius for those of you who couldn’t be bothered to learn real temperatures.) I especially object to days that are so fucking hot that ice cream melts before you can eat it. That’s just plain fucking wrong.
6) If I were god, republicans would suddenly wake up tomorrow strapped to the rack in 16th century Spain, naked with a raging hard-on for their inquisitor, who just happens to have a predilection for watching men die slowly by way of red-hot sounding rods and razor blades.
7) Goddammit, if you try to open that fucking door for me again I will fucking break your arm.
8) And while we’re on that subject, Mr. Big Sweaty Palms, when I introduce myself to you, listen carefully. I will tell you my name. What the fuck is wrong with your ears that you somehow mishear and decide to call me by a nickfuckingname? I know you’re a jerk, and a sweaty one at that – please don’t try so hard to convince me you’re an imbecile, too.
9) Dear Mr. and Mrs. Book Publishers: My students are poor. You are not. If you raise prices to try to gouge any more money out of my beloved students, I will fucking ram your fucking textbook up so far people will be able to read the table of fucking contents in the whites of your fucking eyes.
10) Are you there, god? It’s me, Roxy. I would like to return my heart for repairs or replacement. I’m pretty sure I paid for the extended warranty…I’ve got the receipt here somewhere…
11) Speaking of hearts, god, what the fuck is up with the weird wiring? Why is my heart always getting involved in matters of lust? Can’t I just have one fucking superficial relationship without falling in fucking love? Do you really hate us humans so much that you repeatedly, heartlessly, condemn us to love? Or is it just so entertaining to watch us cry until our seas are dry and our faces are salty with heartache?
Yeah, I’ll keep trying, but dammit, god. Sometimes…sometimes, it’s just so damn hard to be human.
You rant awesomely, love. Sometimes you just need to get it out there, spew that built up acid so it doesn’t eat at your insides. I’m just sorry so much has been clobbering you lately.. it really sucks.
But you, you are gorgeous. You are generous and loving and you care about other people and that means you’re gonna feel a lot, and it’s not always gonna feel good. But that’s who you are, and it’s who I fall in love with every day.
Now that’s what I call a rant. *hugs*
Huzzah! There has been entirely too much death this year. I’m fucking sick of it too. And #3? Totally. Worst. Phrase. EVAR.
Wow, I’ve just added you to my blogroll on the strength of this rant. It is magnificent. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone rant so eloquently and with such feeling. I don’t know whether you need someone to hug you or someone to let you beat them up right now. I was with you all the way until point 7, but I’ll bear that in mind in case we ever do meet.
Wow!! I have to agree with most of your rants!! I teach my kids to be responsible for their own future, if you slake cause its easier at the time, it will hurt your future. To demand the best from themselves, from me, from their friends and family and accept nothing less. I hope I reach em and they understand.
I am a lone democrat in south carolina republican wasteland. With a hypocrite governor and a voter body that can’t think for themselves, only does whatever Rush tells em. I lose my mind around them, I’d love California where people think for themselves.
But I guess, i’d have a broken arm though. I would open the door for you, sorry upbringing….LOL
Thanks for a great blog.
Cheers.
I don’t know you well enough to comment on most of this but I will say “right on, sista” about #8. My.Name.Is.Not.Barb. In 42 years, I have never once introduced myself as Barb or in any way indicated that my name is Barb. I want to kick people in the shins, in a very childish manner, for calling me Barb. Oh, you know, on a bad PMS day, slit their throats. Neither is going to do me much good. They’d just say, “Why, Barb? Why did you do it?” Sigh. Great rant.
great job w/ the rant. I am in envy of the rantability u have demonstrated. now me? wishing I could really learn to love, not just have superficial relationships. maybe we can swap some heart material…
u r in my thoughts as usual.
I agree with every point you have brought up. Even number 3 which actually came out of my mouth. I love you baby.
Brilliant rant Roxy. Sadness, laughter, anger and heartache all in one post.. I havent read much by many who could fit all those emotions into a chunk of text and make it sound genuine, but you pull it off with flare (love the use of the fuckity fuck in there, lol).
Props for the laughs, and hugs for the tears.
Oh, btw.. the song I listen to when I’m in kind of a strange reflective mood kind of like this rant is “Breathe Me” by Sia (its the song that plays during the finale of Six Feet Under). Makes me feel safe in a strange way.. lol. (sorry for the double post, can’t edit them to add more)
Have I told you lately that I love you? I second Val, great rantablility.
This is the best rant I’ve read in a long time, and just had to say that.
“Can’t I just have one fucking superficial relationship without falling in fucking love? ”
Its a bummer. The culprit is oxytocin. Have an orgasm with someone and your brain gets flooded with it. The evil stuff causes… horror of horrors… Bonding. With a capital B.
It gets us all in the end.
Whew, that was intense! You feel better now?
I wanted to comment earlier from my phone, but then had to get 30 xrays and fried my brain and forgot. I was going to say that I bet a bunch of folks agree with your rants – especially on education and republicans. And from the previous comments, I was correct.
However, if we ever meet, don’t get mad at me if I open the door for you. That is just he way I was raised, and I open the door for whoever I’m with if I get to the door first – women or men. Just get to the door before me!
Other than that – loved your ranting!
[...] part to the number of goodbyes I’ve had to utter. There were some goodbyes that would be forever, and others that were farewells with promises of meeting up again, sometime, but which will [...]