A reader in Portland, Oregon, had this to say on Tuesday:
You’re a selfish, slutty cunt. Put your focus on your children, where it belongs, not your deviant desires. All of you poly player people are idiots. You want the cake and the frosting, without any concern for how your actions might affect others. By the way, your saggy, baggy breasts are ugly, not sexy. You’re almost forty; it’s pathetic that you’re still behaving like a fifteen year old girl. Listen up, stupid bitch, isn’t it time to finally grow the fuck up?!
When I first read it, it felt like a hard, sharp slap…and then, once I let my head clear and my cheeks cool, I became a little sorry for anyone who feels so angry at me (a person they’ve presumably never met) that this sort of vitriol comes out.
However, I thought it could be educational to address each of the points brought up, one at a time.
1) Re: selfish, slutty cunt.
Wow. Two accusations and a derogatory.
Selfish? Possibly, although you only see what I write about here, so you have no idea what I do with the rest of my time. I could point out that I volunteer extensively at school and with outside organizations and I have dedicated my working life to helping people achieve their own life goals, but I doubt you’d allow mere facts to disturb the picture you have of me in your head. Do I engage in a bit of navel-gazing here? Oh, hell yes. This is a fucking blog, dear. This is not my memoir…this is a narrowly focused discussion of my adventures with BDSM and polyamory.
Slutty? Definitely. I don’t see that this is the insult you think it is, though. I enjoy sex and I enjoy sharing it with other people, and the joy we feel together is something that cannot be expressed, no matter how hard one tries. I’ve written poetry and prose and I’ve read what others have written, and it all falls short, but we’ll keep trying, keep attempting to express the bliss that is deep connection with another human being. Once you’ve felt it, it’s hard not to want to share it, write it, scream it out from the rooftops.
Cunt? Hmmm….I know this one was intended to really hurt, but I gotta say – cunts are beautiful, warm, soft, loving, strong, sexy things, so I’m hard-pressed to take it as anything but praise. In fact, I’m kinda tempted to make myself a tank top that says “Cunt” just to be associated with something so magnificent.
2) Re: my focus.
I’ve had to trust from the beginning that mature adults will understand that I’m sharing just a part of my life, not all of it. I have a full, rich life, and I happen to write about just one little piece of it. See above re: Selfish.
3) Re: being an idiot and eating cake
Wow, clearly you’re not bitter or anything…It makes me wonder, though, who was the jerk who screwed you over so terribly that you developed enough hate to spread over millions of people you’ve never met? I kinda want to grab him or her by the neck and “educate” the hell out of them.
If you read my blog, you’ll see that a lot of it is concerned with exactly the question of cake and frosting – the personal desires of one held up against the happiness and well-being of others. It is a constant struggle, forefront in my mind, and something that I fuck up on a regular basis. In fact, you might have noticed that I write about my mistakes more often than I do about my successes, because I believe that there is more to be learned by doing something wrong, and I hope to pass on a little experience in the hopes that everyone doesn’t have to make the same mistakes over and over.
4) Re: Ugly ageism
Really? Saggy, ugly breasts? My dear, these breasts are SPECTACULAR. They fed two children and have offered up pleasure to me and my lovers time and time again. I admit that they’re bigger than I would have chosen for myself, and get in the middle of conversations too often when I’d really rather prefer a little eye contact, but I still love them.
Btw, you might prefer a blog featuring someone who’s had enhancement surgery. Over time, silicone breasts really stand up nicely, despite the ravages of gravity. In fact, there are a number of websites where I go to admire such breasts on a regular basis. Email me and I can shoot out a smattering of possibilities to you.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret – believe it or not, some folks enjoy the charms of un-enhanced breasts, too.
Now, my own vanities aside, your rant comes dangerously close to maligning some of my favorite people. Catherine is 53, Kyle is in his 40s. They have beautiful, strong, loving bodies. The idea that women should hide behind a curtain once they reach a certain age is the worst kind of self-abuse. Women need to celebrate each other and recognize that our current cultural sensibilities have been carefully crafted by marketing machines whose only goal is to create endlessly needy consumers.
I refuse to disappear because I no longer look like a child. I’m sexy, and the women around me are sexy, and I’ll let you in on another secret: the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize how damn attractive everyone is. It’s almost as if aging has snapped me out of my artificial constraints and allowed me to see the world with new eyes. Every day there are new things to admire about the world, and I revel in the beauty around me.
I am very sad for you that it’s a vision you don’t share. I am delighted to live among so many beautiful creatures of all shapes and sizes, ages and hues. I’m guessing that you are surrounded by ugliness, and that must be a terrible hell.
5) Re: Growing up
I did grow up. I studied, I got the honors roll, the Phi Beta Kappa, the accolades. I learned instruments and languages and I reluctantly gave up art and theater in favor of more serious subjects so I could prove my worth. I married, I got a good job and I had the 2 kids and built the white picket fence and pureed the organic carrots and played the right games and got them into the right schools and, along the way, I lost most of myself in order to fit into the spot that had been left for me by society. I was a sad, lonely, miserable mother to my kids and wife to my husband. I was teaching my kids that a woman’s place is to destroy herself in service of a society that won’t even see her once she hits 40 (see point #4.)
It’s damn hard to reinvent a life in the middle, and most people just give up. I might eventually give up, too, but right now I’m working as hard as I can to try to fit everything I want in with everything that is being asked of me.
Is that eating the cake and the frosting, too? HELL NO, dear. I’m fucking baking the cake, mixing the damn frosting, decorating the shit out of it, delivering it to class, serving it up with a big smile to everyone else first and then hoping that, when the day’s finally done, there might be a little piece left for me.
For years, I went hungry, like my mother, and her mother before her. They were sad and lonely role models, and I followed in their footsteps too well.
Now, I plan to eat. I’m gonna take great big bites and chew slowly with a big ol’, shit-eating grin on my face, and I don’t care who approves. Cuz, damn, after all these years,
this cake tastes GOOD.
First of all, I commend you on the way you’ve addressed what is really a vile comment left by someone who clearly doesn’t deserve the time you’ve given them.
Second, this is damned entertaining.
Third, I agree with everything. I think it’s disgusting that your commenter is so negative about sex and about mature bodies. Seriously, Repressed in PDX, if you’re so into promoting such self-hate, why are you reading this blog? Do you poke your eyes out when you see pictures of mature women’s bodies? Is that before or after you’ve gotten off on them? It’s sad that you can’t understand that a blog often represents only a slice of someone’s life. I wonder how responsible you are to your own, when you clearly spend too much time reading blogs you dislike.
Roxy, baby, eat the cake, all of it.. I’ll serve it up to you and you can lick the frosting off my fingers.
Oh my, Roxy, this brought goosebumps to my skin and a tear (ok, a few tears) to my eye. Though I want to throttle the closed-minded, idiot asshole that sent you the email and put him/her out of his/her pathetic misery, I am so happy that you took the time to write this response to it. You are a beautiful woman, inside AND out, and though I know all of us women have our doubts about ourselves sometimes, it’s SO good to see that you know in your heart what a great woman you are and refuse to compromise that.
Reading this gave me *that* much more love and respect for you!
Roxy, honey, I love you. I seriously seriously adore you. This was perfect! From one 40-something slut to another.
(PS I think your breasts are spectacular!)
Well said!
Moms everywhere sacrifice their own wants/dreams/desires for the sake of society’s demands & said moms are left feeling just as you described: empty. This makes us (speaking as a mom who did just the same for many years) bitter and angry.
I truly believe that I am a BETTER mother now that I’ve learned to accept what makes me truly happy – because my inner strength and happiness shines through my children every day.
PS
Your breasts are freaking awesome.
Roxy, love.. I fricking love cake and hell the frosting is the best part of all..
oxo
You are a very strong person to have your life out there and risk some people not agreeing or understanding it. That alone.. cancels out any other putdown that was handed out. I notice this person does not have their life out on public display for people to comment on what is right or wrong in their own minds. So I say until this person agrees to “bare it all” she/he should shut the fuck up !
Despite the anti-woman language, it sounds sadly to me like the commenter was a woman (perhaps I’m wrong). It’s a real pity because it speaks of self-loathing. I’ve accepted that fact that I’m going to get older–I just turned 24 *gasp* and am far too old for Playbot–but when I do, I plan to be hot (not augmented hot, just hot because I enjoy my life, enjoy my sex, and others enjoy being with me…I hope).
If the commenter is young, then she’s in for a lot of sadness in her inevitable future. If she’s old, then maybe she hates herself already. And if he’s male, then he’s going to be very disappointed is his future lovers–men or women. Everyone ages.
I think your response was more gracious than mine would’ve been.
And the rest of us don’t mind getting vicarious cake.
AMEN!
I can especially relate to your final point, as my mother is often critical of the fact that I have friends, and a life beyond my children. I don’t want to buy into the life she led, nor her mother before her. It’s just not *me*. I tried it for a while, and I was the most miserable person you could ever meet. I thought I needed anti-depressants, but as it turned out, all I needed was to give myself permission to be myself.
Now, I can say with absolute certainty that I am a better mother, a better wife, and a better person, because I’m living the life I WANT, not the life that other people think I should have.
P.S. You and those gorgeous breasts are invited over for cake at my house any day!
XO
Shasta
*Standing fucking ovation* Kudos to you! agreed on all 5 points! I couldn’t of said it better myself! Reading such a well put together rant has gotten me a bit hot and bothered….where are these spectacular breasts you were on about?? lol
Well done Roxy. First, I can’t believe anyone would write something as hateful and erroneous as they did. Obviously they have a far different view of you and your blog than I do. I appreciate what you write – your trials and tribulations – the good and the bad – and most of all – the honesty. While I may not live the same lifestyle as you, I take great pleasure in being able to view life through your eyes.
Second – I applaud you for hopefully putting your critic in their place.
It sounds, truthfully, like the person that wrote this comment has trouble acknowledging that people are multi-faceted beings. One can be a wonderful mother, and a passionate lover. One can be beautiful, and over the age of 20. One can be adult, and a still have fantasies. The trick to being an adult is balancing your many personas, and you seem to do it rather well.
Honestly Roxy, I think you are a perfect picture of what a glorious thing it is to be a woman. You take pleasure in life, you deal with hardships, you have a wonderful family, and you seem like a thoroughly well-rounded person.
Personally, I don’t follow so many of the useless social defined rules.
Besides, I love your un-enhanced breasts.
I just think it’s sad that there are people as miserable and hateful as that person who wrote that message.
What a sad way to go through life.
Keep on doing what you’re doing, don’t let the miserable fuckers spoil the fun!
I can’t believe someone would actually put this sort of negativity into permanence. Especially directed at another person! It’s awful, and you had the perfect response. Kudos!
Your comments are beyond wonderful. I felt so small and alone when I first read the hateful comment, but your responses are so generous and loving…I feel strong and connected to all of you now. I’m tearing up a little…it’s overwhelming, in a good way, to feel so much love.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.
I had an idea while I was creaming together butter and vanilla sugar for poundcake. I think you should do a post all about 40+ year old breasts and all of your 40+ year old pals can send you pictures of their breasts – in bras, without bras, in wifebeaters, whatever. A collage of breasts, beautiful 40+ year old, size A to whatever breasts. What do you think?
It boggles my mind that people can be so judgmental. I’m 41 and I feel sexier now than at any other time in my life.
“Hateful in Oregon” needs to get a life. And maybe glasses too – your breasts are incredible!
Roxy my love, you are truly an inspiration to people everywhere, not just women but us guys too. You have turned such a cruel inhumane comment into a beautiful post about yourself. You are sexy, smart, beautiful. If you want to act 15 once in a while I’d say you’ve earned it!! Keep being yourself my lovely.
We love you for it.
By the way your body is beautiful.
Wow. Just wow. I am, yet again, in awe of not only your unfathomable talent but the way in which you approached that which I would have reacted with the same venom that was handed to me. I am a knee-jerk hardass. A woman who skewers her detractors with quick keystrokes and thoughtless hate. You are to be held in the highest esteem.
As a single mother whose life has been all about everyone else, my therapist often asks me “but what about you? Who ARE you? What do YOU want?” and I never have an answer. Although I’m baking that cake now, I have no idea what kind it will be or how much of it I will allow myself.
You take the cake, baby.
What a sad comment. The self-loathing is very clear. Congrats to you for standing up to the author.
Came to your blog through AAG, I’m glad to hear positivity from someone who’s been through it all! Our moms sometimes gave up too much of themselves for us and I’m committed to doing right by my family without burying myself in it. Funny how this person seems to be so jealous of what you have while judging you for it. I feel bad for him/her.
You’ve more than paid your dues, enjoy your cake!
and can I just bring a happy comment from Portland? =)
Fortunately, most of this city is kinder than the person with whom you had a run-in.
What Kyle said!