A can stand for a lot of things.
I have readers who believe it stands for adultery, and I’ll not argue the fact. Over 2 and a half years, I’ve run away from my life into the arms, and dungeons, of seven lovers who have offered me a place to hide…a way to distract myself…and, finally, the strength to see the truth. I have more regrets than could be counted in one lifetime, but those seven are not among them. I regret that I was weak, and believed myself to be both powerless and wrong. I regret that I let my own lack of belief in myself hurt others. I deeply regret that in my ignorance, I hurt him. I regret that I didn’t know that, to change everything, all I needed to do was change something. And so I ran away.
But the running made me stronger. Every partner taught me something new, offered me distance, let me grow into myself a little more. And then I met Kyle.
For nearly a year, Kyle has watched and listened, helping me when my brain struggled to forget. He visited and saw, gently prodding me when I tried to curl up in warm, easy denial.
And now, after years of desperately looking to checklists and websites and books and pamphlets for recognition and meaning, I’m finally facing my ugly, scary truth.
A could stand for a lot of things,
but it doesn’t.
It stands for just one reality and one ultimate truth, and I want to say to you what I wish someone had said to me:
If you think it might be, then it probably is. Hiding it for the sake of (fill in the blank) does not make it better, it makes it worse. Months ago, I gave someone the advice I could not face myself: “Secrets grow in the dark.” Tell someone, now. And then tell someone else. Let them believe you and you might just start to believe yourself. And then you can change the world, just by changing one thing -
yourself.
Honey, I admire and respect you so much. I’ve watched and listened as you’ve struggled this year to deal with challenges no one would wish on their worst enemy. And you’ve not only survived, you’ve gotten stronger. I know there are times when you don’t feel strong, when you don’t feel like you can go another round with reality, but you can. You have amazing strength and you can not only make it through, but you can make it better.
I believe in you, baby, I wish you the very best. I wish I could do more to help you carry the load. As it is, I’m here to vent to, unload on, cry with.. be mad, be happy, be sad, be tired, be you.. that’s all it takes for me to love you forever.
That was beautiful to read my love. In the few short months we have known each other I have seen you grow despite your problems in life. Youa re like the Rose that grew out of the rock, strong, beautiful and surviving through it all.
I love you. I believe in you. I’m here for you. My arms are here if you need me, I will hold you up in the storm, and when it’s over…I will still be here for you.