Yesterday morning I survived another pre-trial hearing. I had to dress up nicely and sit in a room with a bunch of other unhappy folks waiting for lawyers to agree on latin phrases so that we can wait another month and do it all again. This is why they can’t film Law & Order in real time, like 24 – it would take 6 – 9 months just to finish a single episode, and in the end everyone would be too broke to care about who won the case.
The realities of what justice really means have been hitting me hard since we first wandered down this awful path. I’ve discovered it’s all true – the law favors those who have the money, and power, to pursue their own best interests, and the rest of us just hope for a little luck and a rare flash of mercy. It’s truly depressing to see, firsthand, how the system really works and how easily people are run over or outright destroyed.
But there wasn’t much time to wallow in existential anger over our legal system because my parents are moving out of my childhood home this weekend – a move that is as heart-wrenching as it is muscle-wrenching, because the movers they hired left with only half the job done. Of course my husband and I were there to help out and we got a lot of it moved over. The adrenaline from the stress of worrying that they won’t get everything out in time nearly covered up the gathering tears at the thought of them having to leave the home they’ve poured 40 years of their lives into. We’re all doing our best to cover up the sniffles and paste on hopeful, desperate smiles while we talk about a new adventure, rather than the unbearable sadness at all the dreams they’re being forced to leave behind.
Here, at my home, we’re gearing up for another change – my husband will be moving out this weekend. I’m torn beyond description, wanting at once to get it done with and to wish it all away at the same time. I love him more than I know how to say, but the truth of it is that sometimes love isn’t enough to fix things. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the weight of the world on my shoulders like this, and I’m nearly frozen in space with fear that I’m making the wrong decision. It’s a terrible thing to have such power over four lives, along with the responsibility that goes along with it. Choose wrong, and I hurt us all. Choose right and…well, there’s no guarantee there even is a right choice. I could be doomed already and not know it, but I’ve been frittering too long not to try something and see if we can find our way back, eventually, to a functional life.
I’m caught between possibilities – wanting to find a way to embrace new futures while not letting go of the goodness of the past. I’m struggling with the very real possibility that there might be a time limit on forgiveness, and that there are some things that can’t be made right, no matter how hard you try. From the outside, my friends see clear cut answers, but I’m plagued by messy, difficult details.
I love him. He’s hurt me. He loves me and wants to be a better man. I don’t know what I can forgive and if I can ever see him the same way again. In looking for a way out, I hurt him. When he’s angry, I’m done with him, but when he softens, I see the man I fell in love with.
Kyle’s built me up, taught me to be strong, and I love him, but can my husband and he coexist in the same life together? Do I want them to? How far can forgiveness take me? Is it too late?
If I were forced to choose, what would my children need most? Security? Peace? Love? Consistency? What choice is best for them? Am I strong enough to make the choice they need and then wait twelve years for the choice I need? Do I even know what I need? How do I choose?
As I’ve said before, I feel like this life was intended for someone better equipped to make their way. Someone who doesn’t depend on milky way bars and coffee to keep up her mood, someone who remembers library books and teacher conferences, even on 2 hours of sleep.
Because, at the end of the day, if it’s really the journey and not the destination…then I’m definitely on the wrong train. I want to sit in the audience at a taping of Oprah and find a shiny new life under my seat. I want to crawl out from under this heavy rock and fly away.
honey, I love you so much and I hate that you have to deal with such difficult, painful shit. I hurt for you and for him because I know this isn’t what you both intended. Unfortunately, the best laid relationship plans sometimes go astray. The real goal now is to figure out how to go forward and that’s something you both need to collaborate on and it’s gonna be a challenge.
I hate seeing what the legal system is doing to you and the way it’s eroding your faith in it. You have been very strong and brave and I admire you so much. You don’t like the way this effects me, because you’d rather not have the sadness and stress spread around, but I love you and you’re an important part of my life, so of course it hurts to see you in such pain.
I’d love to sweep in on my white charger and rescue you, but life isn’t nearly that simple. You know I’m here for you, forever, whenever. I love you and you have my love and respect.
I’m not sure of all the facts, so I will not speculate. It’s a horrible shitty thing that’s going on. I’ve survived divorce twice. Neither time was it my idea.Although the second one, it most assuredly should have been. It’s not easy, and it sucks. If I can ever offer a friendly ear or a silent shoulder, just ask.
Oh, Roxy. I wish I could give you the biggest hug…It’s never easy, life’s decisions. I hope you the best, though. I know you can do it.
Your still here and your living your life. If this wasn’t the life you were meant for, as much as it hurts sometimes, you wouldn’t still be here sharing, caring and loving with a ferocity that that will weather any storm that comes your way *hugs* I have faith in you
I spent far too much of my life feeling like everyone around me was a grownup and knew how to do things, and it was just me that was lost. There are still mornings I wake up and say, “I just can’t do it.” I so envied the people who keep trudging ahead with no self-doubt, but more and more I realize that for many it’s a facade. We’re all finding our way on this journey, we all feel like we’re on the wrong train. And frankly, some the ones who are most sure of themselves are a little scary. They don’t spend any time looking out the windows and enjoying the scenery, and when their life truly turns upside down? They have no flexibility to deal with the change.
LOL. I’m not sure whether anything I just wrote helps you, or I was just trying to reassure myself. But believe me. You’re going to keep being the best mom, daughter and lover that anybody could ever ask for. I know it.
Love,
C
“I love him more than I know how to say, but the truth of it is that sometimes love isn’t enough to fix things.”
roxy, you may (or may not) remember when we met & spoke briefly @ the nysbcp. I mentioned that in some ways we are leading parallel lives. You gave me a *huge* hug that almost brought tears to my eyes.
I truly *understand* a good deal of what you have been, and are, going through. I struggle with choices I’ve mades, and choices I have yet to make, but need to. Primarily b/c of my kids, and the constant worry & doubt as to what would be best for them.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, I wish I did, for both of us. I *can* however send you strength and support through the ether. Please know that.
xo
~ mbg
Roxy darling. This shit you are dealing with is an enourmous amount of crap that some people never make it out of. I know you are struggling with so many things at once and it’s hard. I believe in you.
I Love you.
Nate
I’m so sorry you have been facing such a terrible time. I don’t have any advice, but I do have plenty of hugs {{{Hugs}}}
Roxy my heart goes out to you. While I do not know your story specifically, your words ring so true with me.
“I love him. He’s hurt me. He loves me and wants to be a better man. I don’t know what I can forgive and if I can ever see him the same way again. In looking for a way out, I hurt him. When he’s angry, I’m done with him, but when he softens, I see the man I fell in love with.”
Doing the right thing never feels as good as it ought to- that is why so often we don’t do it. There is no instant gratification, rarely a sigh of relief, rarely a new life under our chair. To quote an 80′s movie- “That’s why they call it a heartache. If it didn’t hurt, they’d call it something else.”
I love you Roxy and I’m blessed to call you my friend.
Sweetie, it sounds like there’s so much going on in your life right now and the only way to get through it is to go through it.
I know, from experience, that children are resilient and a lot tougher than we think they are. There are so many right decisions that can be made, decisions made with clarity of intention and purpose can only bring good. The fact that you are worried about this very thing shows your metal as a mother; seems they made a good choice when they chose you.
I have found through my own separation and the ensuing custody battle that it takes a village; I’ve had to reach out and rely on more friends and family in the past two years than I even knew I had. Continuing to write, pouring my heart and soul out on paper has also been the raft that kept me floating sometimes. Reach out, reach up, ask for help when you need it, let others share your burden; they are more willing than you will ever know.
I hope that you find peace and healing very soon.
I don’t have the words, darlin’. Just know that I’m here in whatever way I can be. You’ve already got mountains of support, so there’s not a whole lot that I can offer that’s any different. But you know where to find me should you want to chat… about anything.
xoxo
Oh sweetie we should have found that time last weekend to get away from everyone and had that chat but I am going to give you something that has gotten me through moments like this.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
In the end justice, law, friends, family and whomever else will see. It takes time, strength and patience. Kyle once talked about the turtle slow and sure on his blog and I remember thinking how right he was.
There will be moments when you feel you’ll never dig out of it all but if you just keep swimming it does get better.
I promise.
Hugs and next time we are in the same state we are going to find the time to talk.
D
xoxo
“I love him. He’s hurt me. He loves me and wants to be a better man. I don’t know what I can forgive and if I can ever see him the same way again. In looking for a way out, I hurt him. When he’s angry, I’m done with him, but when he softens, I see the man I fell in love with.”
I feel like you opened me up and looked into my soul with these words. You are not alone sweet one. *kisses & hugs*