…the world changes. He goes from almost disturbingly sweet and generous to angry, at the end of his rope. In trying to open up to him, to tell him the truth he’s been begging out of me, I’ve said something that he misunderstood, and he offers no opportunity for explaining myself before he rushes headlong into frustration that snarls and whispers to me in words only I can hear, “I’m trying harder than I should have to and yet I can’t win. You always blame me, but I’m never at fault. I’ve tried as hard as you’re worth, and you’re not worth any more.” After so much tenderness, it’s confusing that his hair-trigger anger offers no generosity, no benefit of the doubt. Like a burning building, my hopeful mood crashes down around me and debilitating memories tumble into my head of the times he’s lost his temper with me and I realize it may never change.
I remember again what I told him while trying to explain myself before he left. “If someone hurts you at unpredictable, random moments, it begins, after a long time, to feel as if it is always happening. Life begins to revolve around trying to anticipate the badness, and, in so doing, leaves you in constant fear. Fear which, ironically, is worse than the badness itself.”
And yet…
Tomorrow we will try again, and I’ll call it hope.
But I can’t help but notice…
each day
we’re
one step
further apart.
My sweet love, your courage in the face of such unpredictability. As always you’ve put difficult truths into words that the rest of us can understand, if we’re willing. Yours is a hopeful heart, that’s something I love about you, it’s what allows for love and generosity and wishes for the future. I am full of hope for your future and also sad for what you’re going through now.
I wish you the best. The best of life, of love, of friendship. You deserve the best and it’s inspiring to watch you continue to put yourself on the line in your effort to attain happiness.
This is so similar to my experience with my husband. He always co-opted the anger. I had to stay calm so he could rant. My whole “raison d’etre” became to sooth the volcano. Eventually, I stuffed in any outward hint of my monstrous resentment and the love just died.