I started playing with my ex, Max, 3 years ago this month. With everything that’s happened since then, it seems like so much longer, because I’ve learned, and changed, so much. Back then, I had never played with anyone, and I didn’t know about places like fetlife and alt.com, and so I didn’t have anyone to help me find my way. The two of us made it all up as we went along, even building our own toys out of household objects (his degree in biomedical engineering gave him a slight edge, although, to this day, I’m still a fearsome opponent with a spatula.)
We would meet at his house when no one was around, and play, taking turns giving and receiving, depending on our moods. I had a lot of fun - I mean, this was the fantasy I’d had for years and years and years, being tied up or tying someone else up and beating the tar out of each other – but afterwards I always felt…well, awful. I’d feel incredible during the play, but then, about an hour later, I’d suddenly crash. I’d feel cold, and horrible, and terribly lost, like having a sudden attack of low self-esteem and no motivation in the middle of Siberia. As good as I had felt before, I felt ten times worse, and I figured that I must be broken, and I questioned if I was even cut out for playing. Back then I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, and I didn’t know where to go for help, someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy.
Now, of course, I know what was happening, and I even know a name for it – drop. Drop can happen to both tops and bottoms, and it can happen in a lot of different ways, but it’s usually marked by an intense physical and mental low that can affect mood, motivation and even your body. After Kyle and I had played at the dungeon, he experienced a sudden chill, and described feeling lost and needing a lot of reassurance. Of course I was right there with a blanket and as much love as I could pour over him, holding him and reassuring him that I was there and I loved him and he had done wonderfully and made me so very proud. Interestingly, I’ve found that that sort of reassurance helps with my own top drop – being there for him afterwards strengthens our connection in a way that helps me, too.
The name for all of this post-play loving is aftercare, and there are as many versions of it as there are couples. When I played with my ex, we didn’t engage in anything like that – when we were done, I was told to get out quickly, so that neighbors wouldn’t suspect too much. There was no connection, sometimes not even a hug…and that left me very susceptible to drop.
Now, of course, I know to anticipate it, and how to approach aftercare with Kyle. However, I’ll be playing this Friday with Arron, and so we’ve been discussing aftercare for months. We’re very good friends, to be sure, but not lovers, and so aftercare with him will be very different from what it is with Kyle. I’m very lucky that, despite the fact that the conversation is awkward at times, Arron is committed to having it with me, and that I feel secure that he will take good care of me, as I will take care of him.
The hardest lesson for me has been to convince myself that needing aftercare isn’t a sign of weakness, and that acknowledging it is an integral part of being a good partner. For me, physical play is an intimate act, and if I’m not brave enough to negotiate what I need, then I need to admit that I shouldn’t be playing. Yeah, the image of being that happy-go-lucky painslut/Dom who can dart in and out of play with strangers is a seductive one, but it’s not me. I connect with my partners in a way that transcends the physical act of the beating, and that connection has to be slowly and compassionately relaxed, not severed quickly.
So, how do I do that? And how do I communicate it to my partner? I’ll be approaching those questions in tomorrow’s post - “Negotiation – Not Nearly as Awkward as Having a Breakdown in Public.”
I didn’t know anything about drop or aftercare until after meeting you. I feel very fortunate to have found you, and not just because you know so much about BDSM. You and I play very intensely, both in person and online and in both venues, we’ve experienced sub and top drop. When we’re together physically, aftercare is physical: warm, loving, reassuring, both of us caring for the other. When we’re playing on the phone or via computer, we don’t have the option of physical aftercare, but I think we’re figuring out how to do LDAC: for you and I this involves lots of talking, reassurance, loving words and praise.
I don’t think you’re weak to acknowledge your need for aftercare, I think you’re smart. I know I need it, both as a top and a bottom, and I don’t feel weaker for that need.
I’m looking forward to your next post
You’re not showing weakness, just that you are a living breathing human. Wish you could be a bit easier on yourself, maybe someday.
[...] of being small, alone, cold, needy was sudden and overwhelming. I was sitting at my computer and Roxy was at hers, but at moment her presence was as intense as her absence. We’d just completed [...]
I had no idea what aftercare waswhen I first started I had a new dom who was a complete sadist and a scene left me feeling like I had the flu for several days.
And as far as being new and no resources. Stumbling onto your’s and Kyles blogs was a stroke of luck and has provided me with a whole lotta help and resources.
Aftercare is a very real thing for me, almost a living, breathing entity in and of itself, and I think of it as an entirely separate event than the ‘scene’. When I first started playing (I was a TOTAL and complete newbie sub at the time) it was not part of the equation, and I too felt bereft, alone, and as if I’d done something terribly wrong when all was said and done. It would take me days to recover from an event that gave me such a high at the time but made me feel so rotten in the aftermath. I am beyond grateful for the relationship I have with my Sir today – aftercare is assumed and, no matter what punishment He dishes out or what crazy/kinky fun we engage in together – I know he will Love and Cherish and Support me when all is said and done. As I will do the same for Him, always.
[...] What kind of aftercare will be provided to each of you? Hugging? Sitting together quietly? Lots of kissing? Going [...]