Every relationship is inherently dangerous. Every hug, every kiss, every promise brings us closer to another human being, forcing us to open up and let a little light in, exposing the needy, small, ugly bits we prefer to keep hidden away. A polyamorous relationship is even more dangerous, with prohibitions on wanting too much, and, by the time you add in long-distance, you’ve pretty much got yourself a house of love built on an old burial ground. The ghosts of things that can’t be, shouldn’t be, said swirl around you like hungry children, begging for attention, and you do your best to politely pretend they don’t exist.
The reasoning is sound – it’s just too easy for today’s fantasy to become tomorrow’s obsession. If you let yourself want, you may fall into wanting too much, and that same fantasy that gives you pleasure now will leave you cursing with heartache later. Humans are built for it, evolved for it, and it’s hard to break that pattern. We were born to escalate, to want more and more, and that just doesn’t work in a polyamorous setting, where there are careful rules and regulations for each person’s share of love.
Primary partners have the luxury of uninhibited daydreams – future plans for vacations, hopes and fantasies – things that may never come to pass, but could. For secondaries, though, there’s no chance of a vacation together, no possibility of that little house on the beach, that week spent under the covers with a tropical breeze blowing right outside. Fantasies are dangerous because there’s always a voice inside reminding you of what you can’t have – somehow it doesn’t really matter what will happen, just what could. And, for secondaries, “could” is a very small word.
After a year of being very good, though, Kyle and I were beginning to find that the ghosts of what wasn’t being said were starting to gnaw at us too much, and so we’ve been slowly speaking the truth. It feels good, the truth – there’s something about sunshine that kills the little resentments and doubts that grow like mildew in the darkness. Out of this new-found courage we decided to dedicate a day to speaking the truth, no matter how dangerous, and we christened it “Brave Monday.”
Yesterday was our first attempt at it, and I have to agree that it went very well. We talked about that trip to Hawaii, about the little house on the beach where the kids could all go shelling together. We fantasized a life together without airplanes and goodbyes. We spoke the “what ifs” out loud and reveled in the joy of letting go, not holding back. What if we could go back, carefully unbraiding our lives, and then start again with new strands to create new braids with different circumstances? What would that look like? Who would we be?
The truth is that we both adore our families and neither of us would give them up. The circumstances in our lives that keep us apart are exactly the ones that brought us together, and the truth is that, had we been in a position to be together, we probably never would have met. But the chance to live out other lives, even just online, in words on a screen…it felt really good. Kyle and I, we’ve lived a thousand fantastic lives together in our heads, and it was nice to create our own real life out loud, and share it together.
Today we’re back to Girl Scout cookie sales and Little League, jobs and families and lives lived hundreds of miles apart, and that’s good, too. It feels solid and real, unlike our fantasies of little beach huts that miraculously have internet connections and room enough to sleep 8, and together they make up two sides of our truth. What is, and what may never be. Live in either one too long and you miss out on the other.
And I don’t wanna miss out on anything. Life is good. Kyle is good. And I am damn lucky.
Life is good. You are good. We are good. I am blessed to have found a partner as brave as you to share my life with. It would be very easy to dive into the land of make believe and miss out on what we actually have together. And we have a lot, even at this distance, we have a close, loving, supportive and hot relationship. Even though the reality we have is sometimes painful, it’s something enviable to others. Our reality is someone else’s fantasy.
You and I were chatting this morning about the bittersweetness of having Brave Monday disclosures, whether it’s really a good thing or just another way to end up feeling miserable. I won’t deny, it sometimes pinches and burns to share those fantasies with each other.
From my IM to you this morning:
Thank you for being Brave with me, for being strong enough to voice and listen to unrequited fantasies and still value what we have enough to stand with me. I love you, you are amazing.
I feel your words here and both the pain and joy of this. Even a primary partner, long distance can leave a couple feeling like they are missing out on something. I find myself struggling with every laugh, every fun evening, and every chilly morning that he spends without me.
It’s a bittersweet love that gives so much some days but on others, it leaves me with so much longing that I resent the life that I have. Who knows what the future brings but at least we have now.
I am grateful for my now. Thank you for this reminder.
You two are really amazing. I am sure that there is no one way for polyamory to be done right, but your relationship is certainly one very strong example. I applaud you both.
I don’t seem to ever have time these days to leave comments but I read both of you and you’re an inspiration for me.
I remember what seems like so long ago when you met on twitter. (remember BITAM) Watching from a distance all these months how you have both battled so many roadblocks in your relationship has been amazing.
Thank you both for always sharing with all of us the good, the bad and the perverted
Diva
XOXO
I really have to avoide posts like this. This post made me cry… Literally.
A beautiful and bittersweet set of posts. I know a lot of poly families, and have heard some discussions of how this is juggled. Some manage a yearly vacation with someone distant, some just occasional dates. So much depends too on when they are in life. I just look at my current relationship and think how lucky I am that it came at a point in my life where I had more freedom—and how unlucky I am that it came at point where she does not.
Thank you for the post. I love you both for the joy and understanding you’ve given me since we first met online.
You do painful in such a beautiful way, Roxy. This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read and I thank you so much for sharing this with us.