It’s true, I’ve been having some trouble with life lately. I’m trying to work out what to do and where to go, and, you know, the world keeps spinning so fast it’s hard to clear my head long enough to finish an intelligent thought.
My dear, sick cat keeps barfing all over the bed, so I have to change the sheets every night just before going to sleep. It’s really been worse than I ever would have thought to be evicted from my bed. When my head hurts, when my eyes swell up with tears, I’ve got nowhere to go. I’ve been exiled to my computer chair and its sharp, cold comfort, which just seems to make everything feel worse.
Last night my daughter told me that my husband only gets angry because I don’t love him enough.
(Pause)
As if the grief and regret I feel for my part in this whole mess weren’t bad enough, I found out last night that she blames me for it entirely. Damn, but I regret letting her ever see Beauty and the Beast – no girl should ever be expected to be good and strong and beautiful enough to tame the merciless beast back into a prince. But how can I explain this to a child who loves her father? What do I say? What can I say?
I’m tired, and sad, and tired of being sad, and today the distractions of life feel pale and distant, but I’m gonna try to throw myself into writing about gender or identity, or maybe finding a picture from my last visit to tease you with for tomorrow’s HNT. Many, many moments are hard lately, but there are a few that soar – it’s hard to work out which ones to share, what face to show, but I appreciate your indulgence when the worst moments refuse to stay silent.
Especially when I’ve got no clever ending to make it right.
I’m sorry you have to work through her misperceptions along with the difficulties you and your husband are having. I know how strong our children’s opinions can be, but however strident they are, they aren’t necessarily well-informed. Her blame is ill-informed and naive.
I know you’re working hard and none of this is easy. In time, hopefully you can explain this to her and she’ll see that her black and white view of the world was pretty simplistic.
I love you.
Thank you, love.
All I can say is you are not alone. You are just brave enough to share it….
Thank you.
Maybe her counsellor can help her with that one … It isn’t easy to learn to love without judging. Hugs for you – and for the barfcat.
Thank you. She’s upset and frustrated, and angry that her family is having such difficulties. It’s not gonna be easy, but we’ll definitely be trying.
And the barfcat, besides barfing all over, is actually in great spirits. Not sure I’d be so happy in her position, but I’m glad to see she’s doing so well emotionally.
It’s never easy on anyone to separate/end a marriage. The kids are always going to find someone to blame, and usually it’s either themselves or the parent that is more concerned with their well-being and refuses to speak ill about the other parent.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about that now, but I hope you will take comfort in 1) the fact that you are on your way to making yourself happier, and a happier woman makes a better mother and 2) the kids will eventually see things for how they REALLY are, they will see what you sacrificed to make things better for them, they will see the kind of man your husband is, and even if it’s not for 10, 15, 20 years down the line, they will appreciate you that much more for it.
I wish you had more support in the area to help you through this difficult time, but you know there are bunches of us random internet stalkers that send virtual support and hugs!
<3
Thank you. I really cherish all my random internet stalkers, exactly for this reason.
When my parents separated, it was my mother’s decision, and so I blamed her. Even though my father had checked out of the marriage years before. Even though he beat my brother. Even though I grew up scared of him. I also grew up knowing that I loved him, and wanted him to be ok. So when my mother finally stood up for herself and her kids and told him to go, I blamed her, because I thought she was being selfish.
I wish I could say I was as young as your daughter when all of this happened, but it was just last year. I guess these are patterns ingrained in many of us — blame the person standing strong, maybe because it seems she’s strong enough to handle the blame. Aren’t we all taught not to beat a dead horse? And isn’t love fucking complicated?
At the end of last year, I apologized to my mother for having given her such a hard time, and that’s when she broke down and I realized how much she’d been hurting all along. It may take your daughter a while to realize the same, but I do so hope she does. Maybe I can expand my apology to all mothers who’ve done the right thing and been told by their children that they’re doing it wrong. I’m sorry.
Wow – that’s a hard story to read, and I imagine it was even harder to live. I can see why you felt as you did, and I really appreciate you sharing this with me. It was a good, hard thing to apologize, and I hope your relationship is better for it.
You mom has a good, loving daughter.
my friend, I am so sorry this incident w/ your daughter has presented itself at this time. You are so brave to reveal this part through your writing. You can count on me to help you breathe.
Thank you. Breathing…some days it’s definitely harder than you’d think.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time of it here lately… :s If it’s any comfort at all, your daughter’s feelings and thoughts on the entire situation will likely change several times over the course of her own private journey to find new footing. Love her, and yourself, through this and even though she blames you now she will see that you love her and want the best for her. Though she might not want to see it now (or is unable to because of the myriad of emotions she is going through…) she will be able to look back and see your true intentions and know that you were there for her all along, loving her though the hurt.
As far as the poor barfy kitty, I hope she gets to feeling better soon- both for her sake (sick kitties are so sad to see!) and yours (you need a barf free bed!)
Thank you. She’s a deeply loving little girl, despite the Asperger’s, although that definitely complicates explaining adult behavior. I do hope she’ll forgive me some day.
The kitty has been getting worse and better for a few years. It’s hard to know – at 18, this could be the end, or just another bout with whatever it is that’s plaguing her (and, yes, the vet is stymied.) Thanks for the well wishes.
Is your husband supportive about the issue? Because he could also speak to her, explain things – you both can. You’ll prob still get some blame … Hope your daughter copes ok, it must be tearing you up. Good that barfcat is fairly cheerful
Thank you. My husband is caught up in a lot of self-loathing right now. He was unaware of his anger, and still fights me on it, telling me I’m too sensitive or overreacting. It’s going to be a long road, and I don’t know when he’ll be able to add a supportive voice to the conversation.
Also, “your part” … Roxy you don’t have much choice in your sexuality imho .. You are who you are. Too many mothers taking too much blame for reaching awareness.
Actually, I’ve been out and bi most of my life (when I realized at 16 that falling in love with girls wasn’t considered “straight” behavior) – my fault lies in what I didn’t stop, what I let cow me, what I didn’t fight because I didn’t believe myself.
Anyone who’s been through abuse could write for years on what happened, and still not be able to explain why.
Another random stalker reporting for duty. I was in your daughter’s position when I was a bit younger than she is now. I think it’s natural to feel the need to blame someone, and as PandaDementia said, the easier target is the parent that is more present. I think there are ways for you to allow her better insight into the real reasons for the family upheaval without having it turn into a character assassination of her father. Of course it would be helpful if he would admit to ownership of at least half the blame and try to explain in order to help his daughter move through this transition with more ease. Sending you hugs.
Hi there, Blazer.
Thank you for the hugs. 
I agree that it’s easier to lash out at the people you feel comfortable with. As twisted as it is, I can see this pattern reflected in my sister-in-law…she’s in her late 40s, and still trying to win Daddy’s love. He was abusive with them as a child, and I really hope that I can do something to stop the cycle now. I don’t want my daughter damned to the same hell.