Sometimes, the weight of everything perched on my shoulders seems to double overnight. It’s hard to see from down here, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more up there…maybe it’s just my back finally losing ground in the fight to stay on my feet. As my grip weakens, and my knees start to buckle, the world begins to move in slow motion – proving god is, indeed, a sadist, because he so loves to prolong the torment.
It’s at moments like these that I begin to resent that the world doesn’t just stop. Back in Preschool, the rule was that everyone stopped the game when one kid had to tie her shoes…I desperately need a rule like that right now. I need everyone to stop and help me work out how to get all these things back up in the air, or at least a little help working out what things should be put down. It certainly doesn’t help that I have a bad habit of doing more when I need more in return. I don’t know how to ask for things very well, so I try to trigger more attention by giving more attention. The funny thing is that it doesn’t really work, and, in fact, ends up putting more on my shoulders…but I keep trying, like someone who never learns…until everything comes crashing down and I completely lose it.
Last week I had a very public breakdown on Twitter, of all places. It started pretty innocently, but then everything came tumbling out, and I was overwhelmed by the response. Folks I hadn’t heard from in months chimed in to offer support and a psychic shoulder. I felt very, very lucky to have such good friends.
Normally, that would be the end of the Hallmark movie. We all hug and the credits roll. And no one worries about what comes next.
A good friend of mine lost his wife in a skiing accident many years ago while his kids were still young. As he said to me one day, months after the accident, “everyone else needs to get on with their lives, but I woke up this morning and my wife was still dead.”
In many ways, our culture is a teenager. We like to be overwhelmed with feeling, and then move onto the next new thing. We’re not good with people who get stuck, who can’t get over themselves, who lose their way and don’t seem set on getting it back. We’re all about having a good time and not bringing each other down.
But sometimes it’s just bad, and there’s nothing to do but live through it, waiting for the credits to roll.
