Uncommon Curiosity

As I’m sitting here at the computer, my heart is all-too-aware that normally at this time there would be a little window in the corner giving me a glimpse into Casey’s house.  It’s become tradition that we leave our cams on from evening until the following morning and, even though we’re frequently staring into an empty room, there’s still a wonderful warm feeling of connection between us.  And when Kyle and Casey are there, paying bills or writing smut or just catching up with email, it makes me feel so close, as if our houses were joined in the middle.

And so right now I’m feeling a BIT of withdrawal.

Yup.  Just a bit.

That is, as long as by “bit” you mean “twice infinity”*.

So I was thinking that, instead of sitting here and pining for my love, I could write out a few of the things that make them so wonderful.

For example, you might not know this:  Kyle and Casey send me a picture EVERY SINGLE DAY because I love photos so much.  Usually it’s a picture from their break at work, but sometimes it’s something a bit racier, like a sly shot from the locker room or an image in character to illustrate a story we’ve been writing together.  He is so handsome and she is so beautiful – they always take my breath away.

Also, Casey has learned cave-speak for me.  Anyone who knew us ahead of time would have predicted massive crash and burn when her “let’s talk about it” ran up against my “let’s go hide in a cave and hope it goes away.”  And yet…it didn’t happen.  Sure, we’ve had our misunderstandings, but she’s worked really hard to get used to the way I need space sometimes when things get scary.  And I’ve learned to say, “I love you, but I need space right now” instead of suddenly running away and never coming back.  She’s teaching me that facing the big scary ugly stuff isn’t nearly as scary as I used to think.  Sometimes it’s hard, for both of us, but the way she’s able to listen with love when I say something difficult is really inspiring.

Because of them, I’ve learned to talk my way through a relationship, and, believe it or not, it feels really great.  As you might have guessed, cave-people aren’t big on touchy-feely analysis or conversation – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix/talk about/mess with/think about it.  But Casey and Kyle both adore talking about relationships (ok, to be fair, Kyle would probably say that “it’s ok, no big deal”), and now they’ve coaxed me over to the dark side, too.  It is truly eye-opening to be able to talk about the way we interact and the love we feel for each other – it becomes yet another way to enjoy the life we share.

(Yeah, ok, there are still residual cave-people in my head who nearly choked on that last paragraph.  Sure, it’s mushy, and it sounds so mamby-pamby…but, really, it’s kinda wonderful and happy-making.  You just have to take my word for it – I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing.)

Most of all, lately Kyle has been standing up for me against…well, me.  The difficulties I’m having with my marriage are due in large part to my resistance to put myself above another person.  I’ve spent years being told I was wrong, and a long time ago I got to the point where I believed it.  It’s really hard to unlearn patterns like that, and Kyle has been surprisingly reserved in helping me through it.  This dance of guilt, blame, pain and fear has very complex steps, and when people have rushed in, guns blaring, I’ve shut down completely.  Even though Kyle’s instincts were to shoot first and ask questions later, he’s been very careful with me, helping me rebuild my self-esteem and self-reliance one step at a time.  When I’m wracked with doubt, he talks me through it slowly, offering logic and evidence to help me gain my footing.  The best part is that he’s come to visit a few times, and so he’s not just taking my word for everything – he’s seen it firsthand.

He’s not just a wonderful lover, he’s also a trusted confidant.

When I take chances, she rewards them.  He calls me “darlin’.”  She tells me I’m awesome.  They’ve heard a lot of my nastiest, most obscene fantasies…and thought they were sexy.  They indulge my love of photography and encourage my writing.

And every time I see their face, like I will next Thursday…it seems impossible, but I could swear I’ve never noticed how amazingly gorgeous they are.  A partner who gets more beautiful every time you see him?

It’s an awesomely good thing.

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* Yes, of course I know that infinity isn’t a number you can just double.  I just meant a really big infinity.