I’ll be the first to agree – it doesn’t make any sense. Never seeing someone because you couldn’t see them enough…it’s illogical.
But when my “I want to see you” banged up against his “but we have to be practical” for the 50 billionth time, it just hurt, damn it. I *am* practical, but I really need a romantic out there, reminding me of the stars when my reality is down in the mud.
Do you have any idea how awful things have been?
I want someone who says, “I don’t care what it takes, I’m going to see you again and again and again because there are no limits on my love. I will show you how important you are to me by treating you like a gift.”
Yeah, right.
I miss being touched. I miss being held. I miss being wanted. I don’t miss being told how hard it is to manage to find time for me.
I want someone who can’t wait to see me, every time, no matter what. I miss feeling like I was special, all the time.
I know I’m ridiculous. I’m insane. No one ever gets what I want, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I’m sadder than I’ve ever been.
And I have no idea how to break it to my therapist.
My darling woman. I know there’s not much I can say at this point, nothing I can do to make up for what I haven’t done. You’ve needed me and I’ve failed to give you what you needed. I am so full of pain that I am numb. I’ve hurt you, I’ve let you down and when you needed me, I wasn’t there for you. You’re hurting and I can’t heal it, you’re hurting and I made it worse. You know my limitations, know my weakness, know my failings and yet, you’ve been here for me countless times. Yet, when you needed me, I missed the opportunity to show you how much you mean to me. I know I can’t make up for that and I will always be sorry to have hurt you this way. I love you, always and deeply. I know i’m faulty and limited, but I’m here, if you need anything I can give you, I’m here.
[...] into one post. I never have mastered the art of eloquence, especially when I’m upset, but Roxy certainly has.* I’ll be the first to agree – it doesn’t make any sense. Never seeing someone because you [...]
How can you write about such pain and come up with a last line that is so heart-breakingly funny at the same time?
I don’t know what your therapist says, but I think you know the only person who can love you as much as you need to be loved, as often as you need to be loved is… yourself. This is a really hard year for you to love yourself unconditionally, and yet, I don’t see another way through, another way for you to get what you need. (No disrespect meant to Kyle.) You know that wanting someone to put you above all else in life is illogical, impossible, impractical: and the only way to get it is to provide it for yourself. Hard as that is.
Those words that you yearn to hear: “there are no limits on my love. I will show you how important you are to me by treating you like a gift”… Say those words to yourself. Read them off the computer screen, out loud.
Take care of you. That is love.
Very good comment, thank you.