Uncommon Curiosity

I was raised in the “stuff those feelings down, smile through it all” military/WASP/bad-ideas-from-the-50s-that-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time tradition, and so I find it REALLY difficult to express my feelings, especially the ones that might upset someone. In fact, I often don’t even acknowledge them to myself, which means that I tend to follow the tried-and-true simmer quietly until you blow up method of handling your emotions I learned from my dad.

And, yeah, the therapist has suggested maybe I should work on that.

What this means to you, though, is that there’s a slight lag in my posts. By the time I sit down to write about something, it’s already been felt, pushed down, exploded and dealt with, especially because I don’t like writing about bad news. The post I wrote yesterday described what I’ve been feeling for a couple weeks, and something that Kyle and I have been talking about for just as long, which means that it might have been tumbling around in my psyche for a lot longer.

Kyle, however, writes about his life in something much closer to real time, and so the post that he wrote yesterday might feel a bit abrupt.  It looks a lot like a tv show – the problem cropped up at 7:30, and was solved by 7:55, with time for one last witty joke between the stars.

In fact, we haven’t solved anything yet, but what we’re going to do is pretty big.  When we met, we both needed something easy, something simple.  We created a place for each other that was more fantasy than reality, and it fit us both perfectly.  As time’s gone on, however, we’ve outgrown that initial design, and Kyle and I have agreed to discuss a new way to be us.

But don’t misunderstand – I don’t play games.  I really was ready to walk away from all of this because it hurt so much, and the grief I was feeling was very real.  Kyle surprised me by being willing to reconsider a lot that we both had been taking for granted.  It is amazingly romantic to be told I’m worth/loved/valued so much, but there’s still a lot of work to do.

So, what’s the moral for me?  To speak up, and speak with conviction.  That I shouldn’t take anything for granted, especially that rules can’t be broken.  Trust more, fear less…especially myself, but also Kyle.

One of my favorite quotes comes from The Tempest, one of my favorite of Shakespeare’s plays.  Prospero and his daughter, Miranda, were stranded/exiled on an island full of magic and Prospero, a great magician, calls up a storm that shipwrecks a group of men on the island.  Upon meeting them, Miranda exclaims,

O, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in’t!

I want that feeling, that wonder.  I want to look at this opportunity and see possibility rather than failure, but I’m stumbling a bit on my fear even as I feel buoyed by Kyle’s love.

So here’s to our brave new world.  I am guarded, but hopeful, and I can’t wait to see what we come up with.

As you from crimes would pardon’d be,
Let your indulgence set me free.