I have not, in fact, fallen off the edge of the world. More and more I’m taking care of a house and two weasels, and waking up to the realities of my life as it was and as it is, and I am simply exhausted by the all of it all. I am also in love, doubly, and feeling very lucky, and a bit too jealous with the time I have to spend it alone in front of this monitor. The care and feeding of two loves is not just twice that of one – it feels as though I should invent a new word to hold in all the love and care and excitement and adoration I feel, but one that would also describe all the moments that swell up to fill my life, and why I’ve been so quiet here.
Theo has spent days and weeks and months here with me and it’s been glorious. They’re quiet, and thoughtful, and I’ve been learning to sit still and listen…well, at least more than I used to. We talk about psychology, and Buddhism, and Leather and love and the world inside and out and sometimes just sit still without words, which is still a new trick for me, and I am so very proud when I manage it. There are smiles and kisses and roses every week, and lunches at exotic restaurants where I don’t even know how to begin to eat or pronounce the food. There’s been comfort and love and support and a growing intimacy that feeds me and has me sending down tentative roots into the warm, wet soil. We are open and out when we’re together, and I feel at home beside them. Next week I’ll be flying with them to a concert – the first time I’ve flown with them, which will be exciting and scary, as I do not fly very well at all. Hopefully they’ll still be speaking to me by the time we land, and I’ll make a good impression with their good friends we’ll be meeting there. And then there will be a whole month apart as they tour in far away places, and I work on being alone again after just learning to be together.
My house is almost a home when they’re here, but I’m a little worried the ghosts will slip back in when they’re gone.
Kyle and I are learning to live on less, as well, as I try to be a mom and a dad and a waitress and a cook and a tutor and a maid around here. It’s a struggle to have less to give, but a joy to see how he’s spending all his time in the world. Over at his place, he’s reviewing books and making a name for himself, along with all the good works he’s doing in his “real” life that he doesn’t always mention. We still get to talk a lot, nearly every day, about how he’s growing into who he was always meant to be, and I’ll get to see him again next month, but some things have changed, and that part is hard. The trick is time, and it’s been terribly unwilling to stretch for either of us, but we’ll be making up for so much soon. Nothing’s been forgotten, but I’m sure we’ll find new things to remember together.
Theo lives just far away enough to complicate things, but close enough to drive there every week, and I was there last night helping them through a 102 degree fever right before a big weekend of work, which is part of why this post sounds so much like Alice in Wonderland – it seems I’m slipping into the Mad Hatter as my brain tries to cope with so little sleep, or perhaps I’m about to catch on fire, too. But with Kyle off drinking with the boys, and Theo in exile at their house without a computer that’s working, I had a few minutes in between bedtime for the weasels and bedtime for me and I wanted to say hi.
Hi.
How are you doin?
I’m doing really ok, much better than I have in a long time. I’m feeling stronger, and more sure of myself, and the mistakes I’m making are ones I can look back on and be very proud of. I’m telling the truth to anyone who will listen, and a few who won’t, and living every truth as best I can. I am embracing being an outlaw, and loving the hell out of my kids, and feeling the deep, spreading thrill of being loved by the loves of my life, which is new – allowing myself to trust enough to feel that. I am angry, finally, and feeling loved and supported by Theo and Kyle who have been angry for me for so long, waiting patiently for me to come around and feel it for myself.
There’s a lot to be angry about, and a lot of it falls on this poor house that was held captive like the rest of us. I don’t think I’ll ever love this house like I should, but we’ll hold on, at least for now.
My home is in the hearts of my beloveds. These walls are just a place to rest my bones.
It’s true, time has been extremely inflexible at a time we need some serious stretch and give from it. I am proud and comforted at the way we handle our less than optimal time-slices, however. I think we’ve already been through a half dozen or more serious challenges that could have broken us up if we’d been less dedicated to our relationship.
I am conflicted some days, I’ll admit it. I want you to have a full and wonderful life, and Theo is a part of that, so I want that to work out. At the same time, Theo’s entry into your life has taken away from the big, wonderful time slices we used to spend together. I miss you, a lot, when you’re off living the new life you’ve been working so hard to create with Theo, and away from your ex. Your time is very, very full and I completely understand and don’t begrudge you the choices you’re making. I know you miss me, too. It’s hard on both of us. There are those days when you have time but I don’t… I hate when that happens.
The good stuff is still here, we are still in love, you make me laugh more fully and deeply than anyone. You open my eyes to wonder and beauty and magic, and I will never get tired of that. I will never get enough of you, and I will cherish every moment, every text, every n minutes of Skype cam time we get. I love you and that love continues to grow and deepen and become more cherished as the moments pass by.
I am so proud of you, I sometimes get puffed up about your accomplishments as if I did them myself. You are speaking your truth, you are standing up for yourself, you are continuing to drive toward a life you want to live and that is my dearest wish for you.
“My home is in the hearts of my beloveds. These walls are just a place to rest my bones.”
This is beautiful and so true. My home is not a single place, not a specific set of walls and windows. I know that I have a home in your heart and in your arms as surely as I have a home with my family here in Olympia. As long as you make that home available to me, love, I will keep coming home to you.
[...] Roxy hinted at ‘good works’ I was doing in a recent post. I guess one of the things she’s talking about is the work I do with GLBTQQIAA youth. I am one of a group of very dedicated and amazing volunteers from an organization that provides discussion and support for high school students who are GLBTQQIA and their allies for lunch, once a week during the school year. Each participating school gets two trained facilitators who bring pizza and resources. They provide support and meeting space. As an organization, we’re having continued success this year, adding two new schools starting this month. We now have a presence in all three major school districts in the area, for a total of 6 programs. We are only limited by available facilitators and money for pizzas. [...]
I’m a little behind in my reader but I just want to say … Sugar, I am so happy for you. I don’t know everything – or much at all – but I do know you went through some very difficult things not that long ago. I know how hard it was for you. So now, I’m especially happy to see you finding (more) love and having such good experiences.