One of Theo’s favorite things to do in the whole Universe is gaming. When I met them, Star Wars Galaxies was a frequent backdrop to our nights at their house, and the grief surrounding the end of that game was considerable and quite painful. Theo’s moved on to The Old Republic, and, after a month of watching, I’ve been invited to play my own character. She’s beautiful, a short-hair (of course,) with red hair and fierce red tattoos on her face…and Sith. (For those of you who aren’t passionately involved in everything Star Wars, that would be the bad guys. Darth Vader and his ilk.) From the beginning, Theo’s been saying they wanted to create a Sith character for me because it would be fun to see how I play it, a challenge that’s both intriguing and intimidating.
We finally got to play my character a few nights ago, and it was fun, but edgy, too. The real me believes in compassion above all else, even reason (although reason does run a close second.) Although I tell people I’m a sadist, I’m really just a service top – someone who enjoys giving people what they crave. I’m far too empathetic to intentionally cause pain – that would be like shooting myself in the foot. But my character…she’s Sith, and the pixels on the screen are just bits of light (as confirmed by my repeated questions to Theo about who is and is not a “real” person in the game.) So, yeah, I came up with a backstory and then I played it out online, internally consistent, and was fascinated by the responses I got. The game gives you three choices at every juncture, and how you choose steers the storyline. After an hour or two of play, I’m tending decidedly darkside (read: bad guy.)
I had a lot of fun, but Theo’s response is making me consider second-guessing myself. There’s only so many times I can hear someone tell me they’re surprised at my behavior before I start to crumble (I blame my suburban, middle-class, WASP upbringing. I’m not conforming? Someone’s even slightly disappointed in me? Omg, I’ll finish the dishes and then jump off a cliff.) Theo was laughing, and horrified, at the same time. They have a Sith character which they’re playing to the light side (think of Worf on ST:TNG. If you don’t know who that is, think of Oscar the Grouch on a good day,) and made completely different choices in the game.
It’s funny, but if you had asked me before we played what the main experience of the game would be, I wouldn’t have said trust…but, ultimately, that’s the game we’re playing. I’m trusting Theo to watch me play and not judge me harshly, even though I’m getting subtle reminders that there is a little judging going on. Heck, to be honest, all new relationships succeed or fail, ultimately, on our ability to trust someone else to really see us when we’re being ourselves. I’m honestly not completely sure that Theo is comfortable that I can separate my personal values from my character on the screen, but I’m taking the risk because it’s something fun we can do together.
Not so much fun was our conversation this morning. Although Theo’s tour is technically still a few weeks away, they have a ton of gigs between now and then, so this feels like the beginning already. I might get to see them a bit tonight, but then not again until Wednesday…and then not again until the following Wednesday…and then I drive them to the airport one last time and poof! They’re gone for 6 weeks. So we were both feeling the stress of separation ahead of time when we hit an early-morning phone call IEC (improvised explosive conversation.) As Theo is really, REALLY not into the airing of laundry in public (I know – it’s like their lips are moving, but I can’t understand the words coming out of their mouth,) I won’t suffer you the details, but suffice to say that ultimately I was told that I don’t trust them.
*Silence*
In the heat of battle, how can I express that trust is a long continuum, and that, no, I don’t feel complete trust for them or, honestly, anyone in my life. Right around the time the Universe left skid marks all over my life a few years back I left that sort of blind faith on the side of the road. Hell, I don’t even trust God perfectly anymore, and She’s as close to perfect as you can get. But do I trust Theo a whole lot considering we’ve only really known each other for 8 months? Oh, hell yeah. Do I trust them enough to let them see me scared out of my freaking mind on a plane? Do I trust them enough to let them care for the weasels? Do I trust them enough to play a game where I act like a complete ass and stomp around being evil, clearly enjoying myself?
Do I trust them enough every time we strip down and go to sleep together?
To want to keep building this relationship even though the future is anything but certain?
Diver: *Run run run…sproing…soar…twist…tuck…splash*
Judge #1: I’d give that a 5.5. She seemed a little tentative at the edge.
Judge #2: True, but she didn’t turn back, despite the slippery board. I give her a 7.
In life, it’s really not the landing – it’s just being willing to jump.
Oh… baby, so much challenge, so many differences in assumptions and approaches, you two come from such different angles sometimes. This is not a 101 level relationship, that’s for sure, and sadly, no one teaches the courses needed to navigate all of these rough waters. So we’re left to our own devices, left to lean on friends and loved ones and our own experience and still we sometimes come up short of finding that secret key that will unlock the mysteries and smooth the way. I know how hard you work on this with Theo, and I know Theo does, too.
Trust is similar to respect, I think. It’s something that has to be earned and built over time. When we first met, and throughout our relationship, we’ve worked through trust issues. Trust is not something to be taken for granted, or assumed. It should be cultivated, reinforced and re-earned as time goes on. And some areas are easier to award trust in than others.
“In life, it’s really not the landing – it’s just being willing to jump.”
Love is not for wimps. Knowing something about your life experiences, your current and past challenges in the area of trust and intimacy, I give you a solid 10 on this dive.
Not too many years ago, you took a chance and made the leap into a relationship with me. I know how strong and brave you are, there is no question in my mind. I love you, honey, and I’m always standing by, ready to leap in after you whenever you need.